Honest Thoughts & Reflections...
It's been a funny couple of weeks, since my dog was euthanised. I've been in a sort of limbo whilst still functioning and also engaging in my hobby.
For a few days I was totally bereft in a way which I have never been, even with the loss of family. I can say without hyperbole that there were several moments where I simply said out lout, 'what's the point?'.
I even said to my wife that I could very easily just 'stop it all, and move on.'
Anyone who might be reading this who knows me, will know that I am vehemently anti-suicide and that despite some dark moments in my life, I've not just grabbed the nettle, but have then gone on to stick it up the arsehole of existence, without courtesy.
Thankfully, my wife was there for me, as was a friend who is still himself getting over the effects of serious illness, and who I though I tried not to burden, I was fully certain was there if I needed him.
Friend is probably too light a term, to be plainly honest. And my wife is my soulmate, without a doubt. So I want to publicly show my love and appreciation to those two people.
I think the last time I felt this bad was after the falling out with Sheffield Wargames Society, and which is probably one of the reasons despite invites from the new committee to go back down to said club, we've not bothered.
It seems that although a generally hard faced and exceedingly hot headed and forthright motherfucker, I can be, when something which flies in the face of my personal ethical code goes down, I take a hell of a hit. At that point it can go three ways.
I. I fight back and do twice unto others as they have done unto me.
II. I (rarely) acquiesce and accept that shit happens.
III. It's such a hit that I end up in a logical argument which goes like this 'What's the point? It's so easy just to turn yourself off.' versus 'The point is that you exist, so continue to do so, despite the absurdity of it'.
The last option has only happened probably 4 times in 52 years and hell, I don't like it when it does.
The upshot is that I have really, really been looking inwards and backwards, taking stock and obviously, as games have been part of my life for almost 41 of my 52 years, it's made me look for the core experience.
Happily, I can report that I am already doing what needs to be done. My ECW project has been refined to perfection, with the plastic models being scraped in favour of metal, using models which I like and which are from an assortment of manufacturers, which was the norm, when I started out.
I'm planning with Roger, my wife, and my brother to play assorted types of game, but in the end the name of said games is 'fun'.
I had planned to start with early Parliamentarian, but truth be told I have to start with New Model Army in order to go full circle and back to my roots, despite claims that I am being elitist from the Royalist camps... :-)
I'm also seriously thinking of pulling the plug on conventions because they are so vastly different in feel and content, that I see absolutely no point in wasting a day at a show, unless I am going there to put on a game or trade.
I have been having flashbacks to my youth, but not the usual ones, and so, I also need to write it all down, and also to fill the gap which I left in my book 9 years ago, so as I plan to take August off in it's entirety, I may have to do that during my sabbatical.
One thing I am sure of, is that I have a lot more gaming to do, and I am doing it with people I want to spend precious time with.
I foresee, some sarcastic banter, and feel that wine will be needed in large quantities. Not to calm the situation you understand, but to enhance the pleasure I know I will experience in making up for lost time.
So, although I fell into darkness, I have apparently been clad in white and returned to to Middle Earth. And boy, am I going to make the most of it.
Let me say, that if you ever feel that life is pointless, you are wrong. Speak to a friend or family member you trust. Look up at the sky every morning, and just marvel that you are able to see it. Don't let the world get to you. It can be hard, but start by turning off the news, address the cause and kick it smartly in the bollocks.
Life is a game - Don't worry about playing to win. Just refuse to lose.
TTFN
For a few days I was totally bereft in a way which I have never been, even with the loss of family. I can say without hyperbole that there were several moments where I simply said out lout, 'what's the point?'.
I even said to my wife that I could very easily just 'stop it all, and move on.'
Anyone who might be reading this who knows me, will know that I am vehemently anti-suicide and that despite some dark moments in my life, I've not just grabbed the nettle, but have then gone on to stick it up the arsehole of existence, without courtesy.
Thankfully, my wife was there for me, as was a friend who is still himself getting over the effects of serious illness, and who I though I tried not to burden, I was fully certain was there if I needed him.
Friend is probably too light a term, to be plainly honest. And my wife is my soulmate, without a doubt. So I want to publicly show my love and appreciation to those two people.
I think the last time I felt this bad was after the falling out with Sheffield Wargames Society, and which is probably one of the reasons despite invites from the new committee to go back down to said club, we've not bothered.
It seems that although a generally hard faced and exceedingly hot headed and forthright motherfucker, I can be, when something which flies in the face of my personal ethical code goes down, I take a hell of a hit. At that point it can go three ways.
I. I fight back and do twice unto others as they have done unto me.
II. I (rarely) acquiesce and accept that shit happens.
III. It's such a hit that I end up in a logical argument which goes like this 'What's the point? It's so easy just to turn yourself off.' versus 'The point is that you exist, so continue to do so, despite the absurdity of it'.
The last option has only happened probably 4 times in 52 years and hell, I don't like it when it does.
The upshot is that I have really, really been looking inwards and backwards, taking stock and obviously, as games have been part of my life for almost 41 of my 52 years, it's made me look for the core experience.
Happily, I can report that I am already doing what needs to be done. My ECW project has been refined to perfection, with the plastic models being scraped in favour of metal, using models which I like and which are from an assortment of manufacturers, which was the norm, when I started out.
I'm planning with Roger, my wife, and my brother to play assorted types of game, but in the end the name of said games is 'fun'.
I had planned to start with early Parliamentarian, but truth be told I have to start with New Model Army in order to go full circle and back to my roots, despite claims that I am being elitist from the Royalist camps... :-)
I'm also seriously thinking of pulling the plug on conventions because they are so vastly different in feel and content, that I see absolutely no point in wasting a day at a show, unless I am going there to put on a game or trade.
I have been having flashbacks to my youth, but not the usual ones, and so, I also need to write it all down, and also to fill the gap which I left in my book 9 years ago, so as I plan to take August off in it's entirety, I may have to do that during my sabbatical.
One thing I am sure of, is that I have a lot more gaming to do, and I am doing it with people I want to spend precious time with.
I foresee, some sarcastic banter, and feel that wine will be needed in large quantities. Not to calm the situation you understand, but to enhance the pleasure I know I will experience in making up for lost time.
So, although I fell into darkness, I have apparently been clad in white and returned to to Middle Earth. And boy, am I going to make the most of it.
Let me say, that if you ever feel that life is pointless, you are wrong. Speak to a friend or family member you trust. Look up at the sky every morning, and just marvel that you are able to see it. Don't let the world get to you. It can be hard, but start by turning off the news, address the cause and kick it smartly in the bollocks.
Life is a game - Don't worry about playing to win. Just refuse to lose.
TTFN
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