The Scents Of Victory

It's normally about this time of year when I have a good old rant about the admission of those of our hobby who, for one reason or another are challenged by the notion of soap, water, a comb and clean clothes, to enclosed spaces filled with sensitive gaming flowers such as I. Well, as there are no shows for a while, I am spared that most traditional festival du stench that is Vapnartak. So, I thought I'd take a few minutes to look at some mens perfumes, with notes on which shows and sartorial accents they would suit. Let's begin: Aramis - Estee Lauder - £30 per 100ml

This is a very traditional scent which was the first true 'prestige' mass market perfume. It was created in 1963, but came of age in the late 70s to mid 80s. 'Classic' Aramis is by far, one of the most enduring scents, with a very pleasing warmth, woody tones. It's earthy, herby with a hint of spice. Back when pipe smoke was a feature of conventions, this was a pleasant companion as many of the 'chequebook wargamers' favoured it. Those of us of junior years would be rather pleased to bag a bottle for Christmas becasue it was back then, not a cheap option. Trust me, in the school discos, this stood out, and it was a cut above. Even the denim clad rock merchants were guranteed a snog from the white heels brigade. Good for any show that has some history and is maybe still held in the same place it was 35 years ago. It's timeless. Far more reasonably priced than it used to be, Aramis still punches above it's weight. A good pair of jeans, understated shirt or rugby shirt. Sunglasses on head are optional. A mid price timepiece will complete the ensemble. Dire Straits or perhaps some cheeky New Romantic tracks on the car stereo, will set the moo, but Rush and Marillion will also soothe the soul, whilst wearing Aramis. 15mm 7YW display games or a trip to the Gilder era Wargames Holiday Centre would suit Aramis. Obsession - Calvin Klein - £25 per 100ml

Another stalwart, now reasonably priced. This is unpretentious with a lighter tone than Aramis, yet still herbal with a good spice, although the bergamot and lavender notes make it a cooler end of the warm scent scale. Were I going to a two day convention, this would be a Sunday morning squirt, given the slightly fresher highlights, but given the prevailing garlic and coriander atmosphere of a Sunday morning at a show, the woodiness and herbal accents are capable of keeping the air around you fresh. Good for a show with perhaps a 90s pedigree, or one of the lower end shows such as the Chillcon family of events. A reasonable dab, for midweek gaming club. A good choice for gamer with limited funds, so paired with Saga, you can still cut a dash. Short sleeved shirt a la Tom Selleck, with chinos or cargo pants. Be careful because it's a fine line to walk, so make sure you are well pressed. Any timepiece will work, but a striking classic Timex or Fossil will balance out nicely. A Skagen is the absolute top end with Obsession. The Dreamer - Versace - £50 per 100ml

This is a winner in terms of price, quality and where you can wear it. It's another warm fragrance, but not as warm as the first two offereings. Great for spring shows, it says, I've got £300-£500 for the trade stands and hints that you may be in the market for the latest fad in the wargaming press. Better worn it events with a reasonable floor area and airflow as if applied too liberally it can be a little too sweet up close. Applying it just before the show is best, as it does tend to lose a lot of the punch over a few hours, but it does have a nice linger which is genteel to those in close proximity. You could wear this to Partizan 1 or Hammerhead and keep your head held high. It would not be an unpleasant scent whilst browsing Dave Thomas's stand apart from Vapnartak. Vapnartak needs something with a little less sweetness. The B.O on offer at Vapnartak, can mingle with sweeter scents to give the impression on the bring and buy that you are actually perusing a body farm in July. Suitable attire would perhaps be a crisp cotton Oxford shirt, with well cut jeans or casual trousers. A subtle waistcoat and perhaps a nice simple lower end Bulova or Sub-£300 Tissot. Duro and No33 Eue De Cologne - Penhaligons - Duro £80 and No 33 £70 per 100ml

Now we start to get into the big boy's league. You need a pretty well attuned sense of smell with true eau de cologne, and you need to understand your own body chemistry along with where you'll be wearing it. E.D.C is one of those classics which is rather formulaic - in a good way. Both of these are bold, and shout 'That army on the bring and buy is mine sir! BEWARE!' By all means, a good dark ale at the bar, but a small rum or brandy will go better. Well pressed moleskins, brogued brown leather boots and lamb's woll sweater in coller months or in the summer a short or long sleeved T. Lewin shirt. Dress well, because these scents scream 'well ironed, subtly conservative, willing to play Black Powder but respectful of Gush'. A leather courier's satchel will work. On the wrist perhaps a good Bulova automatic or a well proportioned Stuhrling . Both are robust and manly scents as befits a true E.D.C, but are different ends of the same piece of black ribbon. Duro is by far the fruitier of the too. It's got the weight you'd expect, but is reminiscent of a Portuguese citrus orchard as the fruit pickers enjoy a smoke and a decent lunch. It says 'Italian Wars Of Reunification' or 'Carlist Wars'. No 33 is heavier and is reminiscent of the overseer of the pickers. It is moody, with a olfactory 5 o'clock shadow. Treat it with respect. This scent says it drove that ambulance with Hemingway or crept across the line with Orwell. It would suit the gamer who is interested in the Spanish Civil War. Salute, Britcon or Phalanx, maybe even Ceasefire, but too good for the Chillcon crowd. Saturday lunchtime in the bar at The Octagon or at Reading circa 1987 would be the natural habitat for the wearer of these two. Music for the journey perhaps Black Sabbath with No 33 or Tangerine Dream with Duro. XTC, Dr Feelgood or Ian Dury would suit both. Zizonia - Penhaligons - £80 per 100ml

This scent is not for the type of person uncomfortable with the idesa of their sensitive side. It's a sensual blend of cardamon, bergamot, coriander, orange with middle notes of ginger, lavender nutmeg and pepper with classic base notes of vetiver, patchouli and sandalwood. Apply liberally for best effect but it's an expensive fragrance, so perhaps also add to the wrists. Eminently suitable for the old World Championships at Derby, Salute when it was in Kensington, or either Partizan. Zizonia demands respect and says 'yeah, I've shit in the woods, but I also enjoy poetry'. This is big battalions, no plastics and getting Wargames Illustrated to stick a few shots of the collection in the mag. This is Marston Moor with 36 man units, facing off against Gilder after a lunch of apple and brie sandwiches made by Duncan MacFarlane and having been at the very first Partizan. This one argues with the Perry Twins about Ii Naotaka being sculpted in his father';s armour. It's bright, confident and just knows that it'll roll three sixes and get the battlefield nuke to go off. Wear this with any type of clothing except tweed (a courduroy 3 piece and bold pocket square) will yell to the world that you have nothing to fearfrom the unwashed or uncultured. But whatever you wear, make sure it's well made, well coordinated and that you feel confident in it. Sneer at the sweaty, egg stained oiks and look them straight in the piggy little eyes as you tell them to take that bloody rucksack off. Watches here must be interesting... Any of those mentioned, but a Snoopy or Mickey Mouse Timex 40mm special edition will signal to the world that you are your own person, individual assured and know what's good in life. Halfeti - Penhaligons - £178 per 100ml

Screw the proles, it's 28mm, big battalions and you own both sides. You have a signed photo of Gilder, can talk to Duncan and don't give a fuck how the figures are based. Rose, citrus, oud, leather, spice and ambergris. A veritable bisexual three-way in a Levantine whorehouse. This is the Sebastian Horsley of scents. It's masculine but has the whiff of the lavender about it. If you can't sit comfortably with the uncertain, then this is not for you. Floral shirts, deconstruted blazers garish pocket squares or perhaps a well cut bespoke tweed three-piece with cane and fedora, worn without irony. Well suited to the flanneur gamer, who knows that when they see the army they need, they'll know it and buy it without raising so much as an eyebrow. Skirmish games are out... Wear a Longines or a Tag Heuer, or perhaps that Snoopy Timex, for a touch of sartorial Left Bank. A quick nip down to Partizan II sneer at that bloke with the resin scenery who gave you the deadeye a few years ago, thinking you were a thief (that cost him a four figure sale and your eternal disdain), gaze approvingly at the latest Perry display game and then a zip over to Baslow for lunch at Il Lupo (the Liver De Venezie of course) or Chatsworth and Andre's steak & Kidney pudding. Red wine or dark ale - it makes no difference, but it has to be the best. And there you have my rundown of ways to smell divine at your next convention. Of course, the other option is a crumpled cargo pants, 3 breakfast T-shirt, rucksack and a s squirt of Lynx, but you'll not be within 20 feet of me. TTFN