The Lethal Beauty In Wargaming

 Fear not my dear reader, this is not quite what the title suggests, but rather a few lines on the subject of models, viable wars to recreate and the dangers of being tempted into doing so.

We are all aware of the main periods such as Ancients, Medieval, ACW and that little 'ole skirmish in the first decades of the 19th century in Europe, called the Napoleonic Wars, all of which have been visited and revisited time and time again in the last 50 years, and that's a good thing of course.

But every now and again, something comes along which has colour, derring do and a figure designer who has a yearning to 'do' that period.

Said designer goes ahead and either loses steam, resulting in a partial range, or his mates in the magazine machine, take some pics, write a couple of hundred words and then we have a minor outbreak of madness as everyone picks up this new 'period', only to drop it a few months later.

Historically, I've been pretty immune to the 'sickness' but I confess that there have been moments (1st Jacobite Rebellion, Andalusian Goat Herder Rebellion of 1867) when I have weakened.

'Period' - There's a dangerous term. It's used erroneously a lot of the time, being used as a way to describe any conflict, but is a ten week war a 'period' - I declare that it is not.

The 1850-1870 is a period, and within that period of time, many wars will have taken place. Perhaps we should refer to 'theatres of conflict' (henceforth 'TOCs') TOCS will occur within Periods.

But I digress...

Of late, I've been finding that I am becoming interested in the middle to back end of the 19th century, which I have always considered pretty safe decades with sensible TOCs. But then those bloody Perrys and a few other upstarts de-stabilise everything like an American President and start to produce figures for pretty obscure things, which unfortunately for the wargaming masses, are lethal. It's weaponised wargaming...

Taiping Rebellion - Bloody enormous battles, but limited use. Thankfully, because Foundry don't make a proper command pack for the Ever Victorious Army, meaning that you have to effectively pay £12 for a standard bearer, I dodged that bullet.

Canadian Intervention - The war that never was between British Canada and the U.S, following the Trent Affair. A nice 'what if' and I confess that this range had me considering a collection, but worse than that - gods forgive me - I actualy considered an imagined war between Britain and Argentina. Imagine all those nice troops in what could be 'The First Falklands War'. I cannot yet say that I have ruled this out.

Boshin War - 19th Century Japan, modern weaponry and traditional Samurai values. And that bloody film with that Cruise geezer. Simple uniforms but quirky helmets - Dangerous ground.

Texan War Of Independence - Heroic last stands of stalwart Texans versus Mexicans in essentially Napoleonic uniforms, resulting in the establishment of Texas and relative peace until Ozzy Osborne took a pee up the Alamo in the 80s.

Bolivar & San Martin - Napoleonic South America with a little bit of everything, uniform-wise. This is another dangerous TOC within the Napoleonic period.

Unfortunately, I've found myself attracted to a couple of TOCs which I logically know are historically limited, but nevertheless keep causing an itch which I fear will require scratching before I leave this mortal coil. I'm aware that certain readers will be raising eyebrows, perhaps even muttering 'wanker' out loud, and I have no defense.

The American War Of 1812 - Look, it's a winner. British red coats, nicely turned out U.S regulars, buckskin clad irregulars, sailors, the American terrain and armies which are pretty damned small. With names for battles such as Lundy's Lane, it's a pretty lethal draw, similar to a blowtorch seen by a moth.

Spanish American War - A war with about two land battles and a duration slightly longer than the Olympics should not even be a contender, but look at those uniforms, the limited numbers of, but varied troops, pretty flags and a rather nice niche feel. And oh look - You can get 28mm figures, there's an Osprey book and a mythical uphill charge by the man who would become 26th POTUS.

So you see, I think it's time that the wargaming community steeled itself against stuff like this. When you look at it, it's like the drug addict who,, not getting a buzz from any of the established drugs, start snorting a mix of powder based cleaning products, from the shaved belly of a Patterdale terrier.

If we don't take a stand, then we will find dark corners at wargames shows filled with sweating gamers, trading lithographs of Andalusian peasants and arguing about what Vallejo you should use for 'that' shade of goat skin...

Now, if you will excuse me, I have to order an Osprey book...

TTFN